Several years ago I remember standing in the backyard of our home struggling to come to grips with all that was changing and happening in our family. It was probably 2008, at the beginning of all the craziness and I was watering the pepper and tomato plants, crying and telling God that I didn’t want a new normal. I liked the old normal just fine. It was comfortable. I was comfortable. Six years and so many life-altering events later I can’t really decide which are relevant, I’m watching the sprinkler water the pepper and tomato plants and marveling at what happened. I can’t really even tell you how I got here, or how I’ve changed. I’m just different. I guess that happens to all of us right? Who is actually where they thought they’d be at this time of their lives? I can’t imagine it’s too many people; I haven’t met anyone who says they are right where they thought they’d be when they were 40 whatever. (See I’ve gone from calling myself 40 something to 40 whatever. It’s a sign of growth.)
When I try to put into words what I’ve learned it’s hard. This is hard. I look for eloquent and deep thoughts to say so that others can learn from my struggle. But you know what comes? God knows what He’s doing. That’s it. That’s what I’ve got, and you’d think I could have learned that in a shorter time period than 6 years, but I guess I’m hard headed.
The last few months I’ve consciously let God do what He intended without my interference. Without me trying to make things happen, or come up with a plan. And God has done just fine with out my interference. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying I gave up trying to do things. I just really tried to let God work out the details and simply be conscious of listening to his guidance instead of running ahead of Him to make things happen.
I started this blog when I was heading to South Africa in January of 2008. I expected amazing life-changing things to happen, and they have, but those life-changing events didn’t form themselves into the picture I expected. I’m not sure it’s a better picture than the one I painted of my life. Art is pretty subjective after all, and I think my picture was beautiful. God’s picture is different. It’s not quite as smooth and lovely as mine was. But his has a lot more depth and life. Mine was coloring book, fairy tale pretty. His is real life seasoned with suffering and sorrow that makes joy even more marvelous. His is a masterpiece.