I took a walk this morning. It was cold and crisp and everything a fall walk is supposed to be. Augie even went with me so I wouldn’t be alone. Walking is kind of like praying, or just spending time with God, I never seem to remember the clarity it offers and how good it feels until I do it. Then I wonder why I was avoiding.
Anyway, my middle aged angst has had me in a tizzy the last few months. I thought I had everything figured out. Knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. Went back to school, really settled into where I was planning to work and grow and minister etc. Then God happened and I found myself re-evaluating, moving, and starting over again, back to square one with the whole grown up scenario.
So I’ve gone to God and prayed, “What now? Where do you want me? What do you want me to do?” I’ve applied for jobs all over everywhere, come this close, and since you cant see me I’m offering a visual of about an inch, to getting another job in a museum and then nothing but rejection. Re-evaluated, applied for other jobs, given up and stopped applying, then back to re-evaluating again, started substituting in the meantime. Honestly I wouldn’t be telling you this unless I had a reason. It’s very humbling to be the one that no one wants.
In the middle of all of it, God reminded me that it is very possible that I’m the crazy one and that He hasn’t change what he asked me to do all those years ago when I first came home to be a mom. I still have a kid at home who needs my involvement. Just because he is the only one here and my life is significantly less chaotic, doesn’t mean he doesn’t need me. I need to keep my priorities the same, which is easy to mess up in a job hunt. You get so wrapped up in the search and process that you forget the priority isn’t the job, or making something not quite right work for you just so you can get it. This is one of those times I need to trust Him in the process. It always works out the way God intended it. I’m just not so good in the journey.
One thing I really don’t know how to be though is mom of one at home. We’ve said a few times poor E is going to get way more attention than he really wants with the other two out. I have a feeling there is a whole new learning curve to conquer!
Other than that we bought a house! I have a whole new place to renovate! WHOOP!